Attachment is the opposite of anger in this respect. With anger the mind labels our experiences with people, places and things as unpleasant and we develop an aversion. With attachment, the mind labels our experiences as pleasant, we are instead drawn toward the experience not away from it. At first it is difficult to see this as harmful. We all can understand how anger can create harm but how is attachment something we would want to renounce?
First, there are the extreme examples. I am sure I am not the only one who has fallen in love with someone who does not feel the same. Hurts don't it? I know there have been occasions where someone has been crazy about me but I just did not have the same feelings and could not return what was desired. On the one hand you can become more insistent that the person feel what you want them to feel. This becomes a desire to possess the other. When we do not allow others to have their own point of view, their own values we are creating great harm. This amounts to oppression in my view. Some couples are like this. I think it happens more often with women than men. They are sometimes not allowed to have the friends they want or the hobbies they want and do not have free time and do whatever they choose. In short, they lose their freedom. On the other hand, let's say your dream comes true and the person loves you back as much as you love him or her. Because, just like anger, attachment is an exaggeration you will usually find out that they are not the person you thought they were. Attachment distorts your perception just like anger does. You find out that they are not as nice (or naughty) as you thought and become disappointed. Lastly, even if they were everything you wanted them to be and loved you back as much as you love them, will it last? People change and so do our feelings and sadly we all, some day, pass away. One family story has my grandmother dying and my grandfather apparently sitting out on the lawn under a tree or on the porch in a stupor for two or three months and dying of a broken heart. The other story has him dying because he was so used to her waiting on him hand and foot. Either way it is attachment.
Attachment can make for great literature and songs but in the real world can also do a lot of harm. Well, what's wrong with a little harm? Is it not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? It is totally up to you. Buddhism offers a way to relieve suffering but you certainly do not have to be a monk or renounce everything. Buddhists can have families and friends. They will be more detached and less possessive than most others but they are human.
There is another aspect of attachment. Various addictions whether it is drinking or TV or food are attachments also. They can in time also be managed and eliminated through meditation and detachment. But in some respects they differ. It seems to me that the attraction we have to them is that they are a way of avoiding things we do not like instead of being drawn to them in their own right. This business of avoiding what we do not like and being attracted to what we do like is really two sides of the same coin and it may not make a difference that counts. My point is we may not like our job. We grow to hate it. Then we end up spending the weekend drinking beer and watching TV. Are we doing it because we love being lazy or do we do it because we want to avoid thinking about Monday when we have to return to work. In time meditation, both calm abiding - Shamatha and special insight – Vipasyana or analytic meditation can help.
Now as a lay Buddhist, my goal is not to forsake and renounce all temptation or the avoidance of all things unpleasant. I think that when we are lonely we need to connect to others and if we do not we will not be healthy. I think when we are angry it may very well be a healthy sign that something is wrong and that you need to stand up for yourself. So I don't intend to notice the feelings and then try to eliminate them or call them bad. I intend to listen to them and learn what they are trying to tell me. In some cases they will be destructive and I will want to renounce them but in others I may want to act on them but in a sane manner.
First, there are the extreme examples. I am sure I am not the only one who has fallen in love with someone who does not feel the same. Hurts don't it? I know there have been occasions where someone has been crazy about me but I just did not have the same feelings and could not return what was desired. On the one hand you can become more insistent that the person feel what you want them to feel. This becomes a desire to possess the other. When we do not allow others to have their own point of view, their own values we are creating great harm. This amounts to oppression in my view. Some couples are like this. I think it happens more often with women than men. They are sometimes not allowed to have the friends they want or the hobbies they want and do not have free time and do whatever they choose. In short, they lose their freedom. On the other hand, let's say your dream comes true and the person loves you back as much as you love him or her. Because, just like anger, attachment is an exaggeration you will usually find out that they are not the person you thought they were. Attachment distorts your perception just like anger does. You find out that they are not as nice (or naughty) as you thought and become disappointed. Lastly, even if they were everything you wanted them to be and loved you back as much as you love them, will it last? People change and so do our feelings and sadly we all, some day, pass away. One family story has my grandmother dying and my grandfather apparently sitting out on the lawn under a tree or on the porch in a stupor for two or three months and dying of a broken heart. The other story has him dying because he was so used to her waiting on him hand and foot. Either way it is attachment.
Attachment can make for great literature and songs but in the real world can also do a lot of harm. Well, what's wrong with a little harm? Is it not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? It is totally up to you. Buddhism offers a way to relieve suffering but you certainly do not have to be a monk or renounce everything. Buddhists can have families and friends. They will be more detached and less possessive than most others but they are human.
There is another aspect of attachment. Various addictions whether it is drinking or TV or food are attachments also. They can in time also be managed and eliminated through meditation and detachment. But in some respects they differ. It seems to me that the attraction we have to them is that they are a way of avoiding things we do not like instead of being drawn to them in their own right. This business of avoiding what we do not like and being attracted to what we do like is really two sides of the same coin and it may not make a difference that counts. My point is we may not like our job. We grow to hate it. Then we end up spending the weekend drinking beer and watching TV. Are we doing it because we love being lazy or do we do it because we want to avoid thinking about Monday when we have to return to work. In time meditation, both calm abiding - Shamatha and special insight – Vipasyana or analytic meditation can help.
Now as a lay Buddhist, my goal is not to forsake and renounce all temptation or the avoidance of all things unpleasant. I think that when we are lonely we need to connect to others and if we do not we will not be healthy. I think when we are angry it may very well be a healthy sign that something is wrong and that you need to stand up for yourself. So I don't intend to notice the feelings and then try to eliminate them or call them bad. I intend to listen to them and learn what they are trying to tell me. In some cases they will be destructive and I will want to renounce them but in others I may want to act on them but in a sane manner.
Another great post. I know I've experienced both forms of attachment and even though I know the right thing to do or the right direction to take...it's still so very hard. Thinking and doing are still two very different things....nonetheless, doing the right thing is often healthier in the end. :) Thanks for this post, Don. :)
ReplyDeleteI find writing these helpful. Right and wrong are only labels. I like what you said about being healthier. If you believe in karma you believe your actions will come back. Yes, it is very difficult to change. Heart and head are very different. My dad who was a food scientist drank himself to death even though he knew more than anyone how harmful it was. It takes a lifetime to change. I just started getting serious and fail all the time.
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