I thought I would write about depression today. I am in a state of depression. Yesterday, I had a terrible headache and I misbehaved. I ate meat for the first time in two weeks and I drank alcohol. One of the 8 fold path is correct actions. It is further broken down into 10 precepts.
Refrain from taking lives.
Refrain from taking what is not given.
Refrain from un-chastity.
Refrain from speaking false speeches.
Refrain from taking intoxicants
Refrain from taking food at inappropriate time.
Refrain from dancing, singing playing music and watching entertainment programs.
Refrain from using perfume, cosmetics, wearing of garland.
Refrain from using high chairs and sleeping on luxurious bed.
Refrain from accepting gold and silver (money)
In the U.S. The first one is often interpreted to include not eating meat. In Asia I think most Buddhists eat meat though and so that is not a strict rule. I put many of these in the words of the 10 commandments and think of it as thou shall not murder. The second is a prohibition of stealing. The third is often stated as not having immoral sex. That is usually meant to mean to not have sex outside of love and outside of a long term relationship. The fourth is a prohibition against lying and the fifth is a prohibition against drinking, although again, in Asia many Buddhists drink. The last five are for monks only. Yesterday I ate meat and drank for the first time in two weeks since I made that commitment. As a result today I am depressed. With anger there is something labeled as unpleasant that is external. With attachment there is something labeled as pleasant that is external. Depression is definitely internal. It has to do with being disappointed with oneself. Last week I decided to get serious about my eating habits. I had already started a vegetarian diet and stopped drinking. But I was having a terrible headache and made the excuse to break my promise to myself. I have a real problem with making promises to myself and commitments. When I lost 45 lbs earlier this year I did not really make a commitment or a promise. I simply did an experiment. It was one day at a time and I just had fun doing it. In my thirties I stopped drinking and was sober for 8 years. Again it was a one day at a time attitude, no promises no commitments. Something else happens when I make a commitment. It seems like whenever I commit to being “good” something compels me to be “bad.” In Buddhism “good” and “bad” are labels the mind creates. I don't think they believe assertions of value have any objective reality. However they do believe in harm and they do believe in Karma. If one does harm there will be harmful consequences. As I detach and observe my sadness I notice that there is a longing to be someone other than the person I was yesterday. Of course in Buddhism all is temporary. There is no permanent self and the person I was yesterday not being the real me is nonsense. It is very difficult to realize that in my core so the sadness continues. One of my favorite Buddhist teachers often says that sometimes you just have to feel the pain and allow it to soften you up. In other words as we confront our suffering it transforms. It transforms into other feelings and I think it also transforms your character. In other words if I learn the lesson that one day of fun will be followed by a day of disappointment then maybe I will think twice before I act. There is always some form of egoism at the bottom of suffering. Being good can be a source of pride and ego and when one does something they regard as bad we become disappointed and sad. So I think the wisdom that is being revealed is that when I decide to follow a certain diet it is better to simply say to myself that I want to be healthy and this will promote health. It is probably not such a good idea for me to say I am going to change what I eat so that I stop being bad and start being good. As they say pride goeth before a fall.
No comments:
Post a Comment