Reflections

When I sit in meditation I am aware of two main desires.  One is a longing for love and belonging.  The other, a need to be free; to make my own choices, for my time to be my own, in short to be myself.  I have always been independent.  I am single and very stubborn.  I just don't like going along with the group.  I am a non-conformist.  Yet, I can feel at times an aching to be connected and a part of something bigger.  I think much of what I want is to figure out a way to reconcile these opposing needs.  We often hear about unconditional love.  I think that is really at the root of it.  I want to receive love and to give love but I don't want any strings attached.  How can we be connected and at the same time be a free individual?  I think in Buddhism they may warn me at this point that I am thinking too much.  Oh well, the unpleasantness of loneliness or what ever that emptiness is that I feel is completely manageable.  I really only have it when I am focused on what I am feeling inside.  It is in the area of what is sometimes referred to as the solar plexus chakra.  I am unfamiliar with any connection between Buddhism and the system of chakras but it would not surprise me to learn if there is one.  As soon as my attention goes to sensations that are focused externally i.e. the what I am seeing, hearing, feeling e.g the temperature, it goes away.  In Buddhism you don't want to avert your attention away from the unpleasantness you just want to examine it.  In time it is supposed to dissipate.  My desire for freedom and independence on the other hand is more a low grade anger if it is being frustrated.  I think it is more centered in my face especially my third eye.  I am going to have to review the system of chakras because I have forgotten what the different areas of the body mean.  The frustration of freedom and independence is more thinking than feeling too.  It usually involves a specific event that happened at a specific time.  The frustration of love and belonging is more generalized and non-specific.  By paying attention a lack of freedom it seems more of an internal voice saying negative things and talking in a critical way rather than a pain or negative feeling as is the lack of belonging.  The Buddhists I have read teach to simply identify it.  When it  happens you just understand "this is thinking" or "this is feeling."  Again, one does not indulge and one does not repress.  You simply accept yourself as you are.  Now, when I am alone and in meditation this awareness is very easy.  In the daily world something else takes place.  When I am with people or in a group I can either be uncomfortable or I can become someone else and only notice it afterwards.  The person I become is not a bad person.  I can be sociable and friendly but sometimes part of me is thinking I am pretending to be interested in what others have to say just to be polite.  The loneliness goes away but I have lost myself in the process.  I really only notice later though.  In Buddhism though, awakening is all about realizing that the ego or self is really an illusion.   Is the non-conformist independent me is more real that the me that loves to be connected with others.  The answer is no.  I both love to be alone and not being alone.  I just need to learn how much and when to mix these forces like an alchemist and it starts by refusing to  call myself bad just because of my sensations.