5/15/12

Sitting meditation is very important.  I think I commented in a post that I had gotten into the habit of simply being mindful all the time as best I could.  I returned to a period of sitting meditation for only 15 minutes a day once a day but everyday day and I can already tell the difference.  Another thing I am doing that I think is helpful is naming the sensations.  If I am angry rather than just trying to look at it, I say to myself "this is me being angry."  By labeling the experience for some reason it takes away its power.  I had an incident today which previously would have been very upsetting.  I had spent some time organizing and putting things into a container and ended up dropping it and spilling everything out on the floor.  I did not have one iota of upsetting emotions.  I was not happy about it but it did not ruin my whole day and I was able to pick everything up and put it away again.  Who was that?  It was very out of character for me.  I think what I am coming to realize is that this is not about becoming a good person or a better person so much as it is about learning who you are and learning to accept yourself with your faults.  I may in meditation realize that I spend a lot of time thinking a worrying what others think.  On the outside I could care less but on the inside it really is important to me to be liked and respected.  It slowly sinks in that this is me.  I don't deny it but accept it.  At the same time I realize that the obsessiveness can cause suffering.  I can see how a picture in my mind can lead to an emotion that leads to a thought that leads to a physical feeling in my body and that I might want to do something else than create pain for myself.  For a long time I was thinking that there is not choice but I think there is some choice if you are conscious of what you are doing early enough in the chain of events to do something else.  A good day.        

5/13/12

Such a long time since posting.  My practice has been all about mindfulness meditation.  I am taking an on line class on Vipassana.  It started with focusing on breathing and then expanded to awareness of the whole body.  It is amazing to me how sensitive you can make your body by simply paying attention to a particular part of the body.  Then the class went to becoming aware of your emotions and finally to your thoughts.I have really had a lot of difficulty maintaining my practice lately.  The course was good if only to re-motivate to practice again.  This is hard.  Often my meditations are not pleasant.  I have become very aware of negative feelings and thought and it has been very painful.  Anyway the experts say that this can be normal and it is really just a process of healing.  So much of who we are is hidden away.  We have learned to dismiss and ignore it and when you learn to pay attention it is painful.  I also am not interested in journaling,  It is hard to write without thinking about the reader and what they think and that is exactly what I don't want.  I am reading a book that is also on mindfulness.  It is entitled "Rewire you Brain for Love"  I got about 1/2 way through.  It has several meditations in it and has a lot of information about meditation and brain science.