Changes

I have been doing this for awhile and think I am noticing positive changes.  Some Buddhists caution practitioners to not be impatient.  The training may go on and on without positive results.  Some say that you never really become enlightened but that you mature somewhat.  You are a little more able to adapt to and confront life's challenges but you really don't ever eliminate suffering.  I think that is what I have been experiencing.  When I am in suffering mode I can see it and observe it and I don't let it become overwhelming.  I can be depressed but I am much less likely to use that as an excuse to not do my daily aerobic walking.  I think it really is true that our behavior is controlled by pleasure and pain.  While in pain it is hard to focus on anything else but after looking at and feeling it eventually it has less power over you.  You can get on with your life and try to accomplish what you want regardless of a down mood.  On the other side of the coin, we are also controlled by pleasure.  I would sometimes listen to a motivational speaker like Tony Robbins and be completely turned on and excited about a self improvement program.  It was a wonderful way to get started and organized in making a life change.  They just wouldn't last.  They were temporary highs and did not result in permanent changes.  Now, I just don't seem to need them as much.  I know a few things that I really want and don't need the positive affirmations or motivational talks to make myself do them.  I am a long, long way from where I want to be.  I still have problems and I still misbehave but I'm coming along.        

Summary

The last few weeks I have had ups and downs.  I last posted around thanksgiving.  I entered a period of  contentment and happiness and did not have anything to write about.  I then started to slide into a depression that just got worse and worse.  Finally, I had a problem with my computer and could not get anyone to help.  Even my ISP was unable to assist.  I fixed the problem and was overjoyed.  All the pain in my gut was replaced with happiness.  From a Buddhist perspective emotions constantly change.  They are self created and temporary.  I was unhappy, then something goes wrong and I fix it but instead or returning to where I started I become filled with joy and end up happier than ever.  Now the good feelings are waning once again.  I need to stop with the amount of self reflection I do.  I need to get in the habit of pure meditation and not meditating on something.  I need to do it only for an hour or so and then leave the rest of the day to be more focused on external things.  As far as weight loss I am still struggling getting back into my program.  Buddhist teachers seem to be notoriously overweight and I should take that as a clue.  Buddhism is pretty passive and I need to be a little more active and goal directed.  Balance is everything.  I did not get intoxicated which I suppose is a good thing.  I was very tempted but I knew it would not solve anything.  I realized that if it had any effect it would simply make me feel worse the next day.  I suppose this is a form of wisdom that Buddhism and really just common sense offers.  When you do something over and over again and it does not solve the problem you begin to think about trying something different.  On the other hand temporary relief is still relief.  I also think that there are things in the real world that affect our happiness.  It is not just in our heads.  If you are poor or ill or in a bad relationship these are real problems that need to be acknowledged as real.  I am not going to write about my personal living situation but to a large degree I am not free to do whatever I want to do.  My time is not my own.  I think that to a large degree the negative emotions I have are to some extent caused by this.  It is not just psychological it is not just spiritual it is a real problem that needs to be solved in the practical world of real life.  I also think sometimes that by paying so much attention to my negative side that I am feeding it and it is growing.  Who knows?  Sometimes I also think that this negative self is like the inner child.  I am paying attention to him and now that he has an audience he is whining more than ever but that it is healing him.  That for too long he has been ignored and he needs to whine.  I hope that is it, for the sake of both of us!  I think I have said about as much as I can on this subject so I don't expect to blog as mush as I have.  Practicing Buddhism as opposed to studying Buddhism is about paying attention to what is happening.  You do not react to feelings but neither do you repress them.  The other thing I am doing more of is paying attention to my body.  At the root of emotions are physical sensations.  I am paying attention to where those are and what they feel like.  For example I have notice a lot of tension in my right shoulder muscle.  It hurts when I focus on it.  Is it a sign of tension?  Anyway I don't promise it is a path to happiness or enlightenment.  For me it is the path I am on and I have to take it as far as it goes.  Wish me luck,