Kabbalah

I've been writing about how our unhappiness is caused by the ego.  More accurately that there is no ego.  It is a false notion that there exists something permanent that is the the real you.  In Buddhism if we can disintegrate the ego by realizing this then the source of suffering will be removed.  Today I want to write about Kabbalah which I see as similar in some respects.  It also talks about ego and desire and how hard it seems to be happy.  Rather than trying to eliminate the ego though it attempts to fix it.  I does this by following a process of 125 steps.  I have only begun my study of Kabbalah and so I don't know what the steps are yet.  

Creation they believe begins with the light of God.  There was only the thought of creation.  This light formed a vessel that held the light.  The vessel was filled and rather than being a receiver of the light desired to be a giver of the light.  It had no light to give and besides it was not its nature to give but only to receive and was unable but stopped receiving the light it its attempt.  At this point the light of God could not be given and was not received.  This was unsustainable and the vessel decided to receive a potion of the light just so that it would have something left over to give.  Then the vessel decided it wanted to not just receive the light and not to just give the light left over but to attain the status of God.  As it received the light it was aware of not being the creator and it became aware that it actually was the opposite of the creator.  So it separated itself and closed itself off from the light of God.  At that point the soul is created.  At a later point this soul is broken into pieces so an individual only has a small piece of soul or ego.  The source of suffering is egoism just like in Buddhism but the solution is not to get rid of the ego but to fix it and reintegrate it.  I am not one that likes metaphysical mumbo jumbo.  But this interests me enough to want to pursue learning more.  I was introduced to Kabbalah many years ago but at the time was just not interested and found it very hard to understand.  I was just channel surfing and ran across and introduction to it on Jewish Life Television.  I recorded them and watched them and then visited their website where they had some on line classes and started taking an introductory class.  

I need a break from all the reflection I have been doing.  Lately it is just too hard to not get negative.  Maybe I am not doing it right maybe I need to do a lot more Santayana and lot less Vippasana.  There is a 10 day retreat I am tempted to go on to learn how to do it but the timing is not right.  There is also a Zen monastery not too far away that has training available.  Perhaps someday.  There are warnings too that at the beginning Kabbalah study it is emotionally hard for some reason.  Supposedly magickal forces are unleashed from the light to help you along by creating a dissatisfaction with this world and a great desire to find access to the upper world.  We will see.                        

More on Meditation

I covered meditation and I think I wrote about some warnings but want to cover it again and perhaps more thoroughly.  The two forms are the calm abiding or single point concentration.  This is the type of meditation I think most people are familiar with.  A description would be to sit comfortably and close your eyes.  Breath deeply and just relax.  After a short while you can begin to focus on your breath.  Some people use a mantra or a word that they repeat over and over again in their mind.  Eventually you will find your self drifting off and losing focus.  This is a natural part of the process and once you notice you have lost concentration you just return your attention back to whatever it was.  When I began this It was very boring.  My mind would race and think of all kinds of things I need to get done.  It was very hard to concentrate.  I did get some benefits from it though.  During non-meditative states sometimes my mind was very clear.  Also, I did not seem to be talking to myself as much; my mind was quieter.  I stopped meditating and many, many years later when I began to practice it again.  After awhile I noticed it was pleasant.  It was not as boring and I did not get filled with thoughts of things I need to get done.  I think Buddhists perhaps would view what we call "joy" or "happiness" is really the absence of suffering.  That sounds terribly negative doesn't it?  As I began to learn how to tap into the pleasant feeling of meditation, I think I was less driven or motivated to do something.  It became OK to sit and do nothing.  There is a joke about the Buddhist saying "Don't just do something, Sit there!"  The warning that is given on the web site I follow is that this type of meditation can make people less happy about their normal lives.  Things, they warn, can become more irritating and disruptive of your quiet, peaceful mind.  It is like you are enjoying sitting on this park bench breathing the fresh air on a beautiful day and you just don't want to think about this bill you have to pay or that you have to go to the store and buy food.  The other form of meditation is when you bring your attention to some negative feeling or behavior.  That is, when we meditate on how angry you became at some person or what you did yesterday that caused harm.  This is the analytic meditation and it can very easily become dwelling on the negative.  When  I am hurting and in pain and I am trying to observe it, it can really be depressing.  I am slowly beginning to learn how to do this properly.  It is very important for me at least to take a step back.  You do not want to be in the pain but you do want to look at the pain.  For me this has to do with putting a frame around your suffering like framing a picture and then looking at it, while knowing that you are not in the picture.  Sometimes that help but there are other times when you just have to stop.  I don't know how it is for others but it seems to me that often I get into this unhappiness or suffering mode.  I will think about how I should have done something differently 35 years ago and it just keeps nagging.  It is like a spoiled brat that will just not be quiet until he is picked and held or fed.  At that point it is very east to react.  It would be very easy for me to drink  or eat more that I should of high fat high salt and high sugary foods or anything else I might think of to get relief.  That almost happened this week.  I was having some kind of pity party and almost decided to buy some booze and over eat.  I did not and boy am I happy about that.  Had I, I know it would have really put me into a tailspin.  So that is the lesson I have learned.  Frame the suffering, step out of the picture and look at it.  If that does not work and I notice myself going toward behaving in a way that will make things worse then go back to calm abiding meditation or just stop altogether for awhile.  I think too, you have to have a little faith.  You need to believe that by becoming self aware even if sometimes there is a little pain that you will gain a special insight about yourself and will ultimately lead to less suffering.  The other thing I find myself doing and is helpful is to just bounce back and forth between calm abiding and analytic meditation.  I am able to get to a place of joy and peace by calm abiding meditation whenever I need refuge.                               

Samsara

Today I want to write about the Buddhist concept of Samsara.  "Samsara" means the continuous flow of life. Buddhists believe that our existence continually churns in a cycle of birth, suffering and rebirth.  When we study this idea it has to do with death and rebirth.  It is common to refer to this as "reincarnation" but for the people who believe this it is something different.  When there is enlightenment we are removed from that merry-go-round.  We no longer live on a eternal cycle, doomed to suffer eon after eon.   I don't know what to believe about what happens after death.  It is a mystery but there is another way to look at it.  I believe in samsara in the sense that we live our lives in turmoil.  Our minds constantly churn.  We are always looking and coming up with thoughts and feelings that we think need to be satisfied.  The desire rises, we satisfy it, it dies and then desire arises once more.   I have noticed in these last weeks since going back on my healthy diet that I ask myself "am I hungry?" "what would be good to eat?"  It isn't as if I am hungry and want to eat.  It is that I am asking myself if I am hungry so that I can eat.  I used to smoke.  Smoking became an excuse to take a break from working.  My mind would get a twinge of temptation and I would ask myself how long has it been since I smoked?  Can I smoke or would my lungs be too irritated?  In my youth I drank way too much.  I loved the euphoric experience it gave me.  I was always looking for reasons to drink and evaluating just how much more can I drink and how soon can I drink.  This churning of mental activity is what I call "samsara."  There is a study that shows men think of sex about every 52 seconds.  That's normal activity?  I would hate to know how often the sexual addicts and men that are abnormal think about it.  When I was young I used to go to bars and concerts and out dancing.  So, I would order a drink and sip on that for awhile and then I would light up a cigarette, then I would look around to check out the ladies.  My God! it is so cliche' and stereotypical.  My mind was on the prowl for anything to occupy itself.  Just sitting there and watching people and enjoying the experience was not even an option.  It is if I had to be dissatisfied in order to seek satisfaction and get dissatisfied all over again in and endless wheel of unhappiness.  As I got older I adopted a different lifestyle.  I quit drinking and smoking and started to have more wholesome fun.  One winter I went up to Mt. Hood every weekend and skied.  Then, I spent a year sailing a couple of times a week followed by joining a racing club and sailing there.  Later, I spent a year scuba diving.  I went to Mexico just to go scuba diving.  Now don't get me wrong.  I had a lot of fun doing these things.  Some of my fondest memories are of these things.  I just can see that what was really going on was I jumping from hobby to hobby seeking happiness and not finding it.  Even my spiritual journey is suspect.  I was raised without any religion and became an atheist.  Then I had a born again experience and became a Christian, later I studied Wicca and neo-paganism.  Now I am a Buddhist but even since I started the blog I have started studying Kabbalah.  I wonder if this is just the same old thing?  On a positive note the seeking and restlessness and nervous energy does result in a variety of life experience.  My spiritual journey is unique and everything has added to who I am and what I believe is important.  There is no right or wrong, good or bad, I just need to be aware of what I am doing and try to gain insight about the process. 

Depression continued

I am anxious to write so I am a little early with this post.  Who knows?  I may have to edit for a few days (NOT!)  Last week I wrote about depression and how it started with behaving counter to a promise I made to myself to keep the precepts and eat a healthier diet. I described it as a disappointment in myself.  I need to add to that. Later, it actually felt like I was being angry with myself.  It was as if I was punishing me.  I could almost hear voices criticizing me.  A perfect example of one's mind creating one's own misery.  


So I am going to try and break this down in Buddhist terms as much as possible.  My goal is to be enlightened.  What blocks my enlightenment is what the web site I use for my study calls "troublesome emotions."  What creates my troublesome emotions is a false self.  This is an ego that is an illusion.  A typical technique to eliminate the ego and receive enlightenment is to realize the impermanence of self.  Let's say I had a traumatic experience 20 years ago.  It really hurt.  But that was 20 years ago.  A month after it happened I brought it forward and relived the experience.  A year later I brought forward again.  The person who was hurt did not bring it forward the new me did.  The pain is brought forward by the ego.  Some might say the ego IS the pain being brought forward.   Once I realize that the old me is long gone and each day a new me is bringing this pain forward I will stop doing it  to myself.  


This technique can be useful but in this case, looking at my intentions was key.  In my example the commitment to the precepts and my diet can create ego.  The ego desires to be fit and trim and healthy and I act on those desires and go on a diet.  If I think I am going to do this and as a result I am never going to get sick and I am going to be better than other people and girls will be attracted to me then I am setting myself up for disappointment.  If those are my intentions behind my goal then I believe this can be a blockage to leading an enlightened life.  I cannot control what others think, I cannot prevent sickness.  But if I go on a diet to feel better and yes, look better while realizing I cannot guarantee the results and without expecting something in return as if I am in control of others or the universe then I think that is a healthy goal and a healthy ego.  It really depends on intention.  If my intentions are pure (I can't think of a better word) then I am going to go ahead and have those kind of desires.  I suspect that trained Buddhist will disagree with me but I just don't think that the desire to lose weight is going to block enlightenment like a desire for something at someone else's expense.  At this point I believe there is a healthy desire and unhealthy desire.  So, I remain on the diet.  I have examined my intentions and do not see a problem.  I have kept my fitness goal but I'm going to be extra careful to not expect anything of other people or the universe.  I can think of many times in my life where I did something and I was really proud but others did not give me the praise I thought I deserved and I let it taint my joy of accomplishment.   


Next, my ego desired rich food.  It did not care about the desires of my other ego.  What were the intentions in my case.  I did not examine them at the time but I think the intentions were negative.    As I recall; I was hungry, and I had a head ache, and I did not feel good.  I was a little angry about having to be on the diet.  It was almost like an act of rebellion.  "I'll show you whose boss." "You aren't going to make me go on a diet if I don't want to!"  That kind of selfish intention behind the desire is a block to enlightenment.  I think if the intention had been simply "I need a day off the diet" then there might not have been a problem.  If I had transformed my intention in this way I could have at least been able to be rational about whether or not I should have taken the day off.  


Once I had a desire that had at its root has negative intentions it was not a good idea to indulge it.  You do not want to act on them.  If the intention behind the desire is something that comes out of anger or other destructive, negative emotions then It is important not to act on them because it creates a second blockage.  Being angry is bad enough but if you are angry and punch someone in the nose then you have two things to deal with not just one.  I think this is really what the precepts are for.  Things like stealing and lying and murder are certain to have negative intentions behind them and to act on them makes enlightenment even further out of reach. When I acted on those desires based on negative intentions I felt bad about what I did and punished myself and talked harshly to myself, criticizing what I decided to do.  When I acted on those desires it led to some self-loathing and the depression.  I have to say though it only lasted a day and since then I have had such great insight and have really been right where I want to be spiritually.  Since then I have felt free and joyous and can enjoy each moment in life as a delightful surprise.  By the way, I did not gain any weight at my weekly weigh and the fried chicken was really delicious!  This week I indulged with a picnic including a vegetarian subway sandwich and some baked potato chips and they were even more delicious!   


I suppose this is a good place to mention a form of Buddhism known as "Tantra"  Tantric Buddhism (you may have heard of tantric sex.)  Up to now I have not had any problem finding opportunities to  examine my desires.  I am full of desire.  In Tantra you actually try to create desire, normally through visualization, in order to practice the techniques of calm abiding and analytic meditation to achieve insight and use those passions and transform its energy positively like I did with my depression.    




 

Troublesome Emotions—Depression

I thought I would write about depression today.  I am in a state of depression.  Yesterday, I had a terrible headache and I misbehaved. I ate meat for the first time in two weeks and I drank alcohol.  One of the 8 fold path is correct actions. It is further broken down into 10 precepts.

Refrain from taking lives.

Refrain from taking what is not given.

Refrain from un-chastity.

Refrain from speaking false speeches.

Refrain from taking intoxicants

Refrain from taking food at inappropriate time.

Refrain from dancing, singing playing music and watching entertainment programs.

Refrain from using perfume, cosmetics, wearing of garland.

Refrain from using high chairs and sleeping on luxurious bed.

Refrain from accepting gold and silver (money)

In the U.S. The first one is often interpreted to include not eating meat.  In Asia I think most Buddhists eat meat though and so that is not a strict rule.  I put many of these in the words of the 10 commandments and think of it as thou shall not murder.  The second is a prohibition of stealing.  The third is often stated as not having immoral sex.  That is usually meant to mean to not have sex outside of love and outside of a long term relationship.  The fourth is a prohibition against lying and the fifth is a prohibition against drinking, although again, in Asia many Buddhists drink. The last five are for monks only.  Yesterday I ate meat and drank for the first time in two weeks since I made that commitment.  As a result today I am depressed. With anger there is something labeled as unpleasant that is external.  With attachment there is something labeled as pleasant that is external.  Depression is definitely internal.  It has to do with being disappointed with oneself.  Last week I decided to get serious about my eating habits.  I had already started a vegetarian diet and stopped drinking.  But I was having a terrible headache and made the excuse to break my promise to myself.  I have a real problem with making promises to myself and commitments.  When I lost 45 lbs earlier this year I did not really make a commitment or a promise.  I simply did an experiment.  It was one day at a time and I just had fun doing it.  In my thirties I stopped drinking and was sober for 8 years.  Again it was a one day at a time attitude, no promises no commitments.  Something else happens when I make a commitment.  It seems like whenever I commit to being “good” something compels me to be “bad.”  In Buddhism “good” and “bad” are labels the mind creates.  I don't think they believe assertions of value have any objective reality.  However they do believe in harm and they do believe in Karma.  If one does harm there will be harmful consequences.  As I detach and observe my sadness I notice that there is a longing to be someone other than the person I was yesterday.  Of course in Buddhism all is temporary.  There is no permanent self and the person I was yesterday not being the real me is nonsense.  It is very difficult to realize that in my core so the sadness continues.  One of my favorite Buddhist teachers often says that sometimes you just have to feel the pain and allow it to soften you up.  In other words as we confront our suffering it transforms.  It transforms into other feelings and I think it also transforms your character.  In other words if I learn the lesson that one day of fun will be followed by a day of disappointment then maybe I will think twice before I act.  There is always some form of egoism at the bottom of suffering.  Being good can be a source of pride and ego and when one does something they regard as bad we become disappointed and sad.  So I think the wisdom that is being revealed is that when I decide to follow a certain diet it is better to simply say to myself that I want to be healthy and this will promote health.  It is probably not such a good idea for me to say I am going to change what I eat so that I stop being bad and start being good.  As they say pride goeth before a fall.