Depression continued

I am anxious to write so I am a little early with this post.  Who knows?  I may have to edit for a few days (NOT!)  Last week I wrote about depression and how it started with behaving counter to a promise I made to myself to keep the precepts and eat a healthier diet. I described it as a disappointment in myself.  I need to add to that. Later, it actually felt like I was being angry with myself.  It was as if I was punishing me.  I could almost hear voices criticizing me.  A perfect example of one's mind creating one's own misery.  


So I am going to try and break this down in Buddhist terms as much as possible.  My goal is to be enlightened.  What blocks my enlightenment is what the web site I use for my study calls "troublesome emotions."  What creates my troublesome emotions is a false self.  This is an ego that is an illusion.  A typical technique to eliminate the ego and receive enlightenment is to realize the impermanence of self.  Let's say I had a traumatic experience 20 years ago.  It really hurt.  But that was 20 years ago.  A month after it happened I brought it forward and relived the experience.  A year later I brought forward again.  The person who was hurt did not bring it forward the new me did.  The pain is brought forward by the ego.  Some might say the ego IS the pain being brought forward.   Once I realize that the old me is long gone and each day a new me is bringing this pain forward I will stop doing it  to myself.  


This technique can be useful but in this case, looking at my intentions was key.  In my example the commitment to the precepts and my diet can create ego.  The ego desires to be fit and trim and healthy and I act on those desires and go on a diet.  If I think I am going to do this and as a result I am never going to get sick and I am going to be better than other people and girls will be attracted to me then I am setting myself up for disappointment.  If those are my intentions behind my goal then I believe this can be a blockage to leading an enlightened life.  I cannot control what others think, I cannot prevent sickness.  But if I go on a diet to feel better and yes, look better while realizing I cannot guarantee the results and without expecting something in return as if I am in control of others or the universe then I think that is a healthy goal and a healthy ego.  It really depends on intention.  If my intentions are pure (I can't think of a better word) then I am going to go ahead and have those kind of desires.  I suspect that trained Buddhist will disagree with me but I just don't think that the desire to lose weight is going to block enlightenment like a desire for something at someone else's expense.  At this point I believe there is a healthy desire and unhealthy desire.  So, I remain on the diet.  I have examined my intentions and do not see a problem.  I have kept my fitness goal but I'm going to be extra careful to not expect anything of other people or the universe.  I can think of many times in my life where I did something and I was really proud but others did not give me the praise I thought I deserved and I let it taint my joy of accomplishment.   


Next, my ego desired rich food.  It did not care about the desires of my other ego.  What were the intentions in my case.  I did not examine them at the time but I think the intentions were negative.    As I recall; I was hungry, and I had a head ache, and I did not feel good.  I was a little angry about having to be on the diet.  It was almost like an act of rebellion.  "I'll show you whose boss." "You aren't going to make me go on a diet if I don't want to!"  That kind of selfish intention behind the desire is a block to enlightenment.  I think if the intention had been simply "I need a day off the diet" then there might not have been a problem.  If I had transformed my intention in this way I could have at least been able to be rational about whether or not I should have taken the day off.  


Once I had a desire that had at its root has negative intentions it was not a good idea to indulge it.  You do not want to act on them.  If the intention behind the desire is something that comes out of anger or other destructive, negative emotions then It is important not to act on them because it creates a second blockage.  Being angry is bad enough but if you are angry and punch someone in the nose then you have two things to deal with not just one.  I think this is really what the precepts are for.  Things like stealing and lying and murder are certain to have negative intentions behind them and to act on them makes enlightenment even further out of reach. When I acted on those desires based on negative intentions I felt bad about what I did and punished myself and talked harshly to myself, criticizing what I decided to do.  When I acted on those desires it led to some self-loathing and the depression.  I have to say though it only lasted a day and since then I have had such great insight and have really been right where I want to be spiritually.  Since then I have felt free and joyous and can enjoy each moment in life as a delightful surprise.  By the way, I did not gain any weight at my weekly weigh and the fried chicken was really delicious!  This week I indulged with a picnic including a vegetarian subway sandwich and some baked potato chips and they were even more delicious!   


I suppose this is a good place to mention a form of Buddhism known as "Tantra"  Tantric Buddhism (you may have heard of tantric sex.)  Up to now I have not had any problem finding opportunities to  examine my desires.  I am full of desire.  In Tantra you actually try to create desire, normally through visualization, in order to practice the techniques of calm abiding and analytic meditation to achieve insight and use those passions and transform its energy positively like I did with my depression.