Changes

I have been doing this for awhile and think I am noticing positive changes.  Some Buddhists caution practitioners to not be impatient.  The training may go on and on without positive results.  Some say that you never really become enlightened but that you mature somewhat.  You are a little more able to adapt to and confront life's challenges but you really don't ever eliminate suffering.  I think that is what I have been experiencing.  When I am in suffering mode I can see it and observe it and I don't let it become overwhelming.  I can be depressed but I am much less likely to use that as an excuse to not do my daily aerobic walking.  I think it really is true that our behavior is controlled by pleasure and pain.  While in pain it is hard to focus on anything else but after looking at and feeling it eventually it has less power over you.  You can get on with your life and try to accomplish what you want regardless of a down mood.  On the other side of the coin, we are also controlled by pleasure.  I would sometimes listen to a motivational speaker like Tony Robbins and be completely turned on and excited about a self improvement program.  It was a wonderful way to get started and organized in making a life change.  They just wouldn't last.  They were temporary highs and did not result in permanent changes.  Now, I just don't seem to need them as much.  I know a few things that I really want and don't need the positive affirmations or motivational talks to make myself do them.  I am a long, long way from where I want to be.  I still have problems and I still misbehave but I'm coming along.        

Summary

The last few weeks I have had ups and downs.  I last posted around thanksgiving.  I entered a period of  contentment and happiness and did not have anything to write about.  I then started to slide into a depression that just got worse and worse.  Finally, I had a problem with my computer and could not get anyone to help.  Even my ISP was unable to assist.  I fixed the problem and was overjoyed.  All the pain in my gut was replaced with happiness.  From a Buddhist perspective emotions constantly change.  They are self created and temporary.  I was unhappy, then something goes wrong and I fix it but instead or returning to where I started I become filled with joy and end up happier than ever.  Now the good feelings are waning once again.  I need to stop with the amount of self reflection I do.  I need to get in the habit of pure meditation and not meditating on something.  I need to do it only for an hour or so and then leave the rest of the day to be more focused on external things.  As far as weight loss I am still struggling getting back into my program.  Buddhist teachers seem to be notoriously overweight and I should take that as a clue.  Buddhism is pretty passive and I need to be a little more active and goal directed.  Balance is everything.  I did not get intoxicated which I suppose is a good thing.  I was very tempted but I knew it would not solve anything.  I realized that if it had any effect it would simply make me feel worse the next day.  I suppose this is a form of wisdom that Buddhism and really just common sense offers.  When you do something over and over again and it does not solve the problem you begin to think about trying something different.  On the other hand temporary relief is still relief.  I also think that there are things in the real world that affect our happiness.  It is not just in our heads.  If you are poor or ill or in a bad relationship these are real problems that need to be acknowledged as real.  I am not going to write about my personal living situation but to a large degree I am not free to do whatever I want to do.  My time is not my own.  I think that to a large degree the negative emotions I have are to some extent caused by this.  It is not just psychological it is not just spiritual it is a real problem that needs to be solved in the practical world of real life.  I also think sometimes that by paying so much attention to my negative side that I am feeding it and it is growing.  Who knows?  Sometimes I also think that this negative self is like the inner child.  I am paying attention to him and now that he has an audience he is whining more than ever but that it is healing him.  That for too long he has been ignored and he needs to whine.  I hope that is it, for the sake of both of us!  I think I have said about as much as I can on this subject so I don't expect to blog as mush as I have.  Practicing Buddhism as opposed to studying Buddhism is about paying attention to what is happening.  You do not react to feelings but neither do you repress them.  The other thing I am doing more of is paying attention to my body.  At the root of emotions are physical sensations.  I am paying attention to where those are and what they feel like.  For example I have notice a lot of tension in my right shoulder muscle.  It hurts when I focus on it.  Is it a sign of tension?  Anyway I don't promise it is a path to happiness or enlightenment.  For me it is the path I am on and I have to take it as far as it goes.  Wish me luck,         

Motivation

Sometimes I have a problem with laziness.  I rarely really liked work although at times is was very fulfilling and I worked hard but I was paid for it too.  School was OK but things like chores are very hard for me to be interested in doing.  Part of it is just getting older.  I was much more interested in doing things in my youth.  I am sure that another part of it though, is developing detachment.

 

If we are motivated by attachment and aversion and you begin to learn how to transcend these, then what is supposed to get you out of bed in the morning?  Do we end up throwing the baby out with the bath water in the sense that we lose taking pride in things and being involved?  Do Buddhists have passion for anything? A story I heard once was about a Buddhist who was invited on a boat ride. As I recall the story it was a day cruise of a local bay. The weather was great and everyone really enjoyed the trip and had fun. The Buddhist made the comment “So is this is what you call 'fun?'” I sure hope that detachment does not mean I can't have fun and enjoy simple pleasures.

One thing Buddhists do that replaces their troublesome emotions is develop compassion.  Part of the training is trying to develop compassion during meditation.  As you become more loving your motivation becomes one of alleviating the suffering of others.  Part of that is to teach whatever wisdom you have gained in life to help others.  Buddhists seem to be very interested in writing and teaching.  I don't think Buddhists do missionary work but I could be wrong.  In some respects I think they are similar to other religions who want to take care of those who suffer.  Say, I was badly addicted to gambling and end up losing everything because of it; I then have an awakening so that I am able to leave that obsession behind.  I can understand how that individual would have compassion for the gamblers still suffering.  They would naturally want to help, they would naturally have an affinity for gamblers.  I think this must be part of the life of people who take this path seriously.  They become aware of their faults (although I am sure they do not describe their sensations as "faults.")  through meditation but they also learn to be self accepting of those faults and naturally learn to be accepting of others.  They are understanding and turn that into a life of helping others where they can.  So as they lose their obsessions they begin to develop a passion for helping others. 

This however, does not explain my laziness. Just because the ex-gambler loses interest in gambling why would they lose interest in everything?    It is not like I had a life full of pleasurable obsessions that caused me a great deal of suffering and I have conquered all that and I am now bored with nothing to do except help others.  Why is it I sometimes have to work my self up to doing some simple household chores.  I have written about troublesome emotions.  Anger and attachment can lead to suffering and we transcend them but without those can life be too empty of the drivers that keep us active?    As far as this little writing assignment I have given myself I am motivated to keep it up.  It has been very helpful to me.  I manage to take out the garbage on Wednesdays and pay the bills every month.  So just how motivated do I need or want to be anyway?  Well, I don't want to spend my life meditating and gazing at the ocean.  Things like returning to my diet and exercise program has been much harder than I thought it would be and I would like to be a little more active and get back on my health program. Does detachment mean I just don't care anymore?

  No, being lazy is pleasurable.  It is great to spend a day doing nothing.  I think this can lead to being attached to that sensation and is an addiction like any other.  Laziness is not the absence of obsession it is an obsession of its own.  I need to treat as I would any other craving.  I need to feel that feeling while realizing that it won't make me happy, that it will just be temporary and that it can lead to a life with some suffering when indulged in excess.  As suffering goes it is not that big a deal and certainly, for good health we need some relaxation and rest.  The problem is if it is done to excess.  I don't really have experience making myself do things I don't want to do.  I suppose most people learn that as teenagers.  If I have a chore and I am in a place that says "I will do that tomorrow" what used to drive me to accomplish it was thinking about the negative consequences.  So I acted out of fear.  I felt like I HAD to do it.  As if it were a life threatening, fight or flight situation.   Now, if I have to do something I don't want to, it feels more like choosing to do it.  It is a little like using will power.   I just grit my teeth and do it.  Once I have started I realize that it is really not that bad and I can usually continue.  

Regarding activities centered around compassion, sometimes I think I should perhaps spend a day a week helping at a shelter or doing some kind of humanitarian service.  Right now I take care of my 94 year old mother but even after she is gone, I don't imagine doing much more than that.  I've got a long way to go before I can be that selfless.           

Reflections

When I sit in meditation I am aware of two main desires.  One is a longing for love and belonging.  The other, a need to be free; to make my own choices, for my time to be my own, in short to be myself.  I have always been independent.  I am single and very stubborn.  I just don't like going along with the group.  I am a non-conformist.  Yet, I can feel at times an aching to be connected and a part of something bigger.  I think much of what I want is to figure out a way to reconcile these opposing needs.  We often hear about unconditional love.  I think that is really at the root of it.  I want to receive love and to give love but I don't want any strings attached.  How can we be connected and at the same time be a free individual?  I think in Buddhism they may warn me at this point that I am thinking too much.  Oh well, the unpleasantness of loneliness or what ever that emptiness is that I feel is completely manageable.  I really only have it when I am focused on what I am feeling inside.  It is in the area of what is sometimes referred to as the solar plexus chakra.  I am unfamiliar with any connection between Buddhism and the system of chakras but it would not surprise me to learn if there is one.  As soon as my attention goes to sensations that are focused externally i.e. the what I am seeing, hearing, feeling e.g the temperature, it goes away.  In Buddhism you don't want to avert your attention away from the unpleasantness you just want to examine it.  In time it is supposed to dissipate.  My desire for freedom and independence on the other hand is more a low grade anger if it is being frustrated.  I think it is more centered in my face especially my third eye.  I am going to have to review the system of chakras because I have forgotten what the different areas of the body mean.  The frustration of freedom and independence is more thinking than feeling too.  It usually involves a specific event that happened at a specific time.  The frustration of love and belonging is more generalized and non-specific.  By paying attention a lack of freedom it seems more of an internal voice saying negative things and talking in a critical way rather than a pain or negative feeling as is the lack of belonging.  The Buddhists I have read teach to simply identify it.  When it  happens you just understand "this is thinking" or "this is feeling."  Again, one does not indulge and one does not repress.  You simply accept yourself as you are.  Now, when I am alone and in meditation this awareness is very easy.  In the daily world something else takes place.  When I am with people or in a group I can either be uncomfortable or I can become someone else and only notice it afterwards.  The person I become is not a bad person.  I can be sociable and friendly but sometimes part of me is thinking I am pretending to be interested in what others have to say just to be polite.  The loneliness goes away but I have lost myself in the process.  I really only notice later though.  In Buddhism though, awakening is all about realizing that the ego or self is really an illusion.   Is the non-conformist independent me is more real that the me that loves to be connected with others.  The answer is no.  I both love to be alone and not being alone.  I just need to learn how much and when to mix these forces like an alchemist and it starts by refusing to  call myself bad just because of my sensations.                   

Vipassana

I want to write more about Vipasana.  This is the type of meditation that I have often called "analytic meditation."  This week I happened to watch a documentary on using this type of meditation with prisoners in a Alabama State Penitentiary.  These were hard core prisoners.  Many were murderers with life sentences.  The prison had so much violence that warden invited people in to teach this technique after reading a study that was done in India with a prison there.  The process takes ten days.  At the beginning they take a vow to follow the first 5 precepts of not killing, not stealing, not lying, not taking any intoxicants, and refraining from sexual immorality.  What I learned is that for much of this time they also take a vow of silence.  There is a way to communicate to the leaders about things but basically you are quiet for the 10 days.  They first teach a little Samatha.  This is the calm abiding meditation I have written about and also called "single point concentration."  This is necessary just to learn how to keep focused. I did not see them doing any chanting but in the documentary it showed them listening to it.  They did show them learning and practicing breathing meditation.  This is called Anapana meditation but it is simply a type of Samatha, as is chanting.  This will eliminate gross emotions.  By that I mean rage or anger or any emotion that is so intense it makes observing the feeling impossible.  After they are grounded in that they add to it the Vipassana.  The results were very positive.  Violence in the prison decreased.  More remarkable were the interviews with these hardened criminals.  After confronting their feelings they became like different people.  They had a little love in their heart.  They were more forgiving and more responsible and more willing to accept what they had done.  I have described this process as observing your troublesome emotions and gaining insight by analyzing them.  I once drew a parallel with the four question of Byron Katie.  What I saw was not verbal in any way though.  They stressed that you simply observe the sensations of your emotions.  Our emotions are really physical sensations. We add to that our negative thoughts and they spiral to greater intensity until we act.  If we concentrate on just our sensations the wisdom or special insight will automatically present itself.  After practicing this for a little while now what I have noticed is it was very painful in the beginning.  We have all met negative people and they can be very tiresome.  Well, for awhile you feel very negative.  It was and is surprising just how much pain and hurt we have locked up in there.  As you start to let it out, taking care to not act on it but instead only observing it, you realize that this really is the precursor of much of our behavior.  I notice that I am just constantly trying to divert my attention.  I think I can best describe it as like it was boredom.  If you are bored you might go read a book and then turn on the TV and then have something to eat even if you are not hungry.  You constantly moving to avoid the unpleasantness of the feeling of boredom.  Instead of boredom though it is far worse.  It hurts.  After awhile though it begins to subside.  I am not sure if it really subsides or you simply don't care about your feelings as much.  It is like you are a little tougher a little more grown up.  The feelings are constantly changing.  You are up and then you are down and then you are up about something else and then you are down about something else.  It just goes on and on and on.  Constantly changing.  Why should I care about something so impermanent anyway?  As far as compassion that has not really happened to me yet as far as I can tell.  Perhaps I notice more compassion for myself.  As I notice twinges of discomfort or pain sometime I catch myself as to not cause myself those sensations.  That is instead of doing something and feeling bad about it I stop and almost hear myself apologizing to myself for almost causing myself pain.  The main thing  I am realizing is that our behavioral system is all about emotions.  I used to think we were part rational and part emotional but I see very little rationality as far as a real driver to our behavior.                       

Kabbalah

I've been writing about how our unhappiness is caused by the ego.  More accurately that there is no ego.  It is a false notion that there exists something permanent that is the the real you.  In Buddhism if we can disintegrate the ego by realizing this then the source of suffering will be removed.  Today I want to write about Kabbalah which I see as similar in some respects.  It also talks about ego and desire and how hard it seems to be happy.  Rather than trying to eliminate the ego though it attempts to fix it.  I does this by following a process of 125 steps.  I have only begun my study of Kabbalah and so I don't know what the steps are yet.  

Creation they believe begins with the light of God.  There was only the thought of creation.  This light formed a vessel that held the light.  The vessel was filled and rather than being a receiver of the light desired to be a giver of the light.  It had no light to give and besides it was not its nature to give but only to receive and was unable but stopped receiving the light it its attempt.  At this point the light of God could not be given and was not received.  This was unsustainable and the vessel decided to receive a potion of the light just so that it would have something left over to give.  Then the vessel decided it wanted to not just receive the light and not to just give the light left over but to attain the status of God.  As it received the light it was aware of not being the creator and it became aware that it actually was the opposite of the creator.  So it separated itself and closed itself off from the light of God.  At that point the soul is created.  At a later point this soul is broken into pieces so an individual only has a small piece of soul or ego.  The source of suffering is egoism just like in Buddhism but the solution is not to get rid of the ego but to fix it and reintegrate it.  I am not one that likes metaphysical mumbo jumbo.  But this interests me enough to want to pursue learning more.  I was introduced to Kabbalah many years ago but at the time was just not interested and found it very hard to understand.  I was just channel surfing and ran across and introduction to it on Jewish Life Television.  I recorded them and watched them and then visited their website where they had some on line classes and started taking an introductory class.  

I need a break from all the reflection I have been doing.  Lately it is just too hard to not get negative.  Maybe I am not doing it right maybe I need to do a lot more Santayana and lot less Vippasana.  There is a 10 day retreat I am tempted to go on to learn how to do it but the timing is not right.  There is also a Zen monastery not too far away that has training available.  Perhaps someday.  There are warnings too that at the beginning Kabbalah study it is emotionally hard for some reason.  Supposedly magickal forces are unleashed from the light to help you along by creating a dissatisfaction with this world and a great desire to find access to the upper world.  We will see.                        

More on Meditation

I covered meditation and I think I wrote about some warnings but want to cover it again and perhaps more thoroughly.  The two forms are the calm abiding or single point concentration.  This is the type of meditation I think most people are familiar with.  A description would be to sit comfortably and close your eyes.  Breath deeply and just relax.  After a short while you can begin to focus on your breath.  Some people use a mantra or a word that they repeat over and over again in their mind.  Eventually you will find your self drifting off and losing focus.  This is a natural part of the process and once you notice you have lost concentration you just return your attention back to whatever it was.  When I began this It was very boring.  My mind would race and think of all kinds of things I need to get done.  It was very hard to concentrate.  I did get some benefits from it though.  During non-meditative states sometimes my mind was very clear.  Also, I did not seem to be talking to myself as much; my mind was quieter.  I stopped meditating and many, many years later when I began to practice it again.  After awhile I noticed it was pleasant.  It was not as boring and I did not get filled with thoughts of things I need to get done.  I think Buddhists perhaps would view what we call "joy" or "happiness" is really the absence of suffering.  That sounds terribly negative doesn't it?  As I began to learn how to tap into the pleasant feeling of meditation, I think I was less driven or motivated to do something.  It became OK to sit and do nothing.  There is a joke about the Buddhist saying "Don't just do something, Sit there!"  The warning that is given on the web site I follow is that this type of meditation can make people less happy about their normal lives.  Things, they warn, can become more irritating and disruptive of your quiet, peaceful mind.  It is like you are enjoying sitting on this park bench breathing the fresh air on a beautiful day and you just don't want to think about this bill you have to pay or that you have to go to the store and buy food.  The other form of meditation is when you bring your attention to some negative feeling or behavior.  That is, when we meditate on how angry you became at some person or what you did yesterday that caused harm.  This is the analytic meditation and it can very easily become dwelling on the negative.  When  I am hurting and in pain and I am trying to observe it, it can really be depressing.  I am slowly beginning to learn how to do this properly.  It is very important for me at least to take a step back.  You do not want to be in the pain but you do want to look at the pain.  For me this has to do with putting a frame around your suffering like framing a picture and then looking at it, while knowing that you are not in the picture.  Sometimes that help but there are other times when you just have to stop.  I don't know how it is for others but it seems to me that often I get into this unhappiness or suffering mode.  I will think about how I should have done something differently 35 years ago and it just keeps nagging.  It is like a spoiled brat that will just not be quiet until he is picked and held or fed.  At that point it is very east to react.  It would be very easy for me to drink  or eat more that I should of high fat high salt and high sugary foods or anything else I might think of to get relief.  That almost happened this week.  I was having some kind of pity party and almost decided to buy some booze and over eat.  I did not and boy am I happy about that.  Had I, I know it would have really put me into a tailspin.  So that is the lesson I have learned.  Frame the suffering, step out of the picture and look at it.  If that does not work and I notice myself going toward behaving in a way that will make things worse then go back to calm abiding meditation or just stop altogether for awhile.  I think too, you have to have a little faith.  You need to believe that by becoming self aware even if sometimes there is a little pain that you will gain a special insight about yourself and will ultimately lead to less suffering.  The other thing I find myself doing and is helpful is to just bounce back and forth between calm abiding and analytic meditation.  I am able to get to a place of joy and peace by calm abiding meditation whenever I need refuge.                               

Samsara

Today I want to write about the Buddhist concept of Samsara.  "Samsara" means the continuous flow of life. Buddhists believe that our existence continually churns in a cycle of birth, suffering and rebirth.  When we study this idea it has to do with death and rebirth.  It is common to refer to this as "reincarnation" but for the people who believe this it is something different.  When there is enlightenment we are removed from that merry-go-round.  We no longer live on a eternal cycle, doomed to suffer eon after eon.   I don't know what to believe about what happens after death.  It is a mystery but there is another way to look at it.  I believe in samsara in the sense that we live our lives in turmoil.  Our minds constantly churn.  We are always looking and coming up with thoughts and feelings that we think need to be satisfied.  The desire rises, we satisfy it, it dies and then desire arises once more.   I have noticed in these last weeks since going back on my healthy diet that I ask myself "am I hungry?" "what would be good to eat?"  It isn't as if I am hungry and want to eat.  It is that I am asking myself if I am hungry so that I can eat.  I used to smoke.  Smoking became an excuse to take a break from working.  My mind would get a twinge of temptation and I would ask myself how long has it been since I smoked?  Can I smoke or would my lungs be too irritated?  In my youth I drank way too much.  I loved the euphoric experience it gave me.  I was always looking for reasons to drink and evaluating just how much more can I drink and how soon can I drink.  This churning of mental activity is what I call "samsara."  There is a study that shows men think of sex about every 52 seconds.  That's normal activity?  I would hate to know how often the sexual addicts and men that are abnormal think about it.  When I was young I used to go to bars and concerts and out dancing.  So, I would order a drink and sip on that for awhile and then I would light up a cigarette, then I would look around to check out the ladies.  My God! it is so cliche' and stereotypical.  My mind was on the prowl for anything to occupy itself.  Just sitting there and watching people and enjoying the experience was not even an option.  It is if I had to be dissatisfied in order to seek satisfaction and get dissatisfied all over again in and endless wheel of unhappiness.  As I got older I adopted a different lifestyle.  I quit drinking and smoking and started to have more wholesome fun.  One winter I went up to Mt. Hood every weekend and skied.  Then, I spent a year sailing a couple of times a week followed by joining a racing club and sailing there.  Later, I spent a year scuba diving.  I went to Mexico just to go scuba diving.  Now don't get me wrong.  I had a lot of fun doing these things.  Some of my fondest memories are of these things.  I just can see that what was really going on was I jumping from hobby to hobby seeking happiness and not finding it.  Even my spiritual journey is suspect.  I was raised without any religion and became an atheist.  Then I had a born again experience and became a Christian, later I studied Wicca and neo-paganism.  Now I am a Buddhist but even since I started the blog I have started studying Kabbalah.  I wonder if this is just the same old thing?  On a positive note the seeking and restlessness and nervous energy does result in a variety of life experience.  My spiritual journey is unique and everything has added to who I am and what I believe is important.  There is no right or wrong, good or bad, I just need to be aware of what I am doing and try to gain insight about the process. 

Depression continued

I am anxious to write so I am a little early with this post.  Who knows?  I may have to edit for a few days (NOT!)  Last week I wrote about depression and how it started with behaving counter to a promise I made to myself to keep the precepts and eat a healthier diet. I described it as a disappointment in myself.  I need to add to that. Later, it actually felt like I was being angry with myself.  It was as if I was punishing me.  I could almost hear voices criticizing me.  A perfect example of one's mind creating one's own misery.  


So I am going to try and break this down in Buddhist terms as much as possible.  My goal is to be enlightened.  What blocks my enlightenment is what the web site I use for my study calls "troublesome emotions."  What creates my troublesome emotions is a false self.  This is an ego that is an illusion.  A typical technique to eliminate the ego and receive enlightenment is to realize the impermanence of self.  Let's say I had a traumatic experience 20 years ago.  It really hurt.  But that was 20 years ago.  A month after it happened I brought it forward and relived the experience.  A year later I brought forward again.  The person who was hurt did not bring it forward the new me did.  The pain is brought forward by the ego.  Some might say the ego IS the pain being brought forward.   Once I realize that the old me is long gone and each day a new me is bringing this pain forward I will stop doing it  to myself.  


This technique can be useful but in this case, looking at my intentions was key.  In my example the commitment to the precepts and my diet can create ego.  The ego desires to be fit and trim and healthy and I act on those desires and go on a diet.  If I think I am going to do this and as a result I am never going to get sick and I am going to be better than other people and girls will be attracted to me then I am setting myself up for disappointment.  If those are my intentions behind my goal then I believe this can be a blockage to leading an enlightened life.  I cannot control what others think, I cannot prevent sickness.  But if I go on a diet to feel better and yes, look better while realizing I cannot guarantee the results and without expecting something in return as if I am in control of others or the universe then I think that is a healthy goal and a healthy ego.  It really depends on intention.  If my intentions are pure (I can't think of a better word) then I am going to go ahead and have those kind of desires.  I suspect that trained Buddhist will disagree with me but I just don't think that the desire to lose weight is going to block enlightenment like a desire for something at someone else's expense.  At this point I believe there is a healthy desire and unhealthy desire.  So, I remain on the diet.  I have examined my intentions and do not see a problem.  I have kept my fitness goal but I'm going to be extra careful to not expect anything of other people or the universe.  I can think of many times in my life where I did something and I was really proud but others did not give me the praise I thought I deserved and I let it taint my joy of accomplishment.   


Next, my ego desired rich food.  It did not care about the desires of my other ego.  What were the intentions in my case.  I did not examine them at the time but I think the intentions were negative.    As I recall; I was hungry, and I had a head ache, and I did not feel good.  I was a little angry about having to be on the diet.  It was almost like an act of rebellion.  "I'll show you whose boss." "You aren't going to make me go on a diet if I don't want to!"  That kind of selfish intention behind the desire is a block to enlightenment.  I think if the intention had been simply "I need a day off the diet" then there might not have been a problem.  If I had transformed my intention in this way I could have at least been able to be rational about whether or not I should have taken the day off.  


Once I had a desire that had at its root has negative intentions it was not a good idea to indulge it.  You do not want to act on them.  If the intention behind the desire is something that comes out of anger or other destructive, negative emotions then It is important not to act on them because it creates a second blockage.  Being angry is bad enough but if you are angry and punch someone in the nose then you have two things to deal with not just one.  I think this is really what the precepts are for.  Things like stealing and lying and murder are certain to have negative intentions behind them and to act on them makes enlightenment even further out of reach. When I acted on those desires based on negative intentions I felt bad about what I did and punished myself and talked harshly to myself, criticizing what I decided to do.  When I acted on those desires it led to some self-loathing and the depression.  I have to say though it only lasted a day and since then I have had such great insight and have really been right where I want to be spiritually.  Since then I have felt free and joyous and can enjoy each moment in life as a delightful surprise.  By the way, I did not gain any weight at my weekly weigh and the fried chicken was really delicious!  This week I indulged with a picnic including a vegetarian subway sandwich and some baked potato chips and they were even more delicious!   


I suppose this is a good place to mention a form of Buddhism known as "Tantra"  Tantric Buddhism (you may have heard of tantric sex.)  Up to now I have not had any problem finding opportunities to  examine my desires.  I am full of desire.  In Tantra you actually try to create desire, normally through visualization, in order to practice the techniques of calm abiding and analytic meditation to achieve insight and use those passions and transform its energy positively like I did with my depression.    




 

Troublesome Emotions—Depression

I thought I would write about depression today.  I am in a state of depression.  Yesterday, I had a terrible headache and I misbehaved. I ate meat for the first time in two weeks and I drank alcohol.  One of the 8 fold path is correct actions. It is further broken down into 10 precepts.

Refrain from taking lives.

Refrain from taking what is not given.

Refrain from un-chastity.

Refrain from speaking false speeches.

Refrain from taking intoxicants

Refrain from taking food at inappropriate time.

Refrain from dancing, singing playing music and watching entertainment programs.

Refrain from using perfume, cosmetics, wearing of garland.

Refrain from using high chairs and sleeping on luxurious bed.

Refrain from accepting gold and silver (money)

In the U.S. The first one is often interpreted to include not eating meat.  In Asia I think most Buddhists eat meat though and so that is not a strict rule.  I put many of these in the words of the 10 commandments and think of it as thou shall not murder.  The second is a prohibition of stealing.  The third is often stated as not having immoral sex.  That is usually meant to mean to not have sex outside of love and outside of a long term relationship.  The fourth is a prohibition against lying and the fifth is a prohibition against drinking, although again, in Asia many Buddhists drink. The last five are for monks only.  Yesterday I ate meat and drank for the first time in two weeks since I made that commitment.  As a result today I am depressed. With anger there is something labeled as unpleasant that is external.  With attachment there is something labeled as pleasant that is external.  Depression is definitely internal.  It has to do with being disappointed with oneself.  Last week I decided to get serious about my eating habits.  I had already started a vegetarian diet and stopped drinking.  But I was having a terrible headache and made the excuse to break my promise to myself.  I have a real problem with making promises to myself and commitments.  When I lost 45 lbs earlier this year I did not really make a commitment or a promise.  I simply did an experiment.  It was one day at a time and I just had fun doing it.  In my thirties I stopped drinking and was sober for 8 years.  Again it was a one day at a time attitude, no promises no commitments.  Something else happens when I make a commitment.  It seems like whenever I commit to being “good” something compels me to be “bad.”  In Buddhism “good” and “bad” are labels the mind creates.  I don't think they believe assertions of value have any objective reality.  However they do believe in harm and they do believe in Karma.  If one does harm there will be harmful consequences.  As I detach and observe my sadness I notice that there is a longing to be someone other than the person I was yesterday.  Of course in Buddhism all is temporary.  There is no permanent self and the person I was yesterday not being the real me is nonsense.  It is very difficult to realize that in my core so the sadness continues.  One of my favorite Buddhist teachers often says that sometimes you just have to feel the pain and allow it to soften you up.  In other words as we confront our suffering it transforms.  It transforms into other feelings and I think it also transforms your character.  In other words if I learn the lesson that one day of fun will be followed by a day of disappointment then maybe I will think twice before I act.  There is always some form of egoism at the bottom of suffering.  Being good can be a source of pride and ego and when one does something they regard as bad we become disappointed and sad.  So I think the wisdom that is being revealed is that when I decide to follow a certain diet it is better to simply say to myself that I want to be healthy and this will promote health.  It is probably not such a good idea for me to say I am going to change what I eat so that I stop being bad and start being good.  As they say pride goeth before a fall.

Diet

Last winter I went on a weight loss program.  I was much more successful than I expected.  I lost 45 pounds and my medication was reduced substantially.  As I entered the summer, I still wanted to lose some more but it was getting hard.  Summer has too many fun things happening that involve food so I decided to take the summer off.  Now, I am ready to restart my healthy eating and exercise program.  What has this to do with Buddhism?  Buddhism can be regarded as a religion but that is not what interests me.  It can also be regarded as a philosophy.  Some of the ideas and beliefs in Buddhism are very important and I want to understand the thinking.  But what is most important to me right now is Buddhism as a school of psychology.  There is suffering.  It has a cause.  By eliminating the cause we can eliminate the consequence.  The cause is our  own  dysfunctioning mind that can never be satisfied and actually seeks out dissatisfaction but can be made healthy through meditation and the development of compassion.  I love pleasure.  I had a fairly normal weight into my thirties.  Then, I just started to gain and gain and gain.  I love the taste of good food.  I will eat much more than I need or want just because it tastes so good.  I do not eat just because I am hungry.  The hunger can be long gone and I will continue to eat because I love the taste.  As I result I gained weight.  This is one example of how our desire can lead to unhappiness.  I want to be happy so I eat, eating makes me fat so I am unhappy.  It is not just the flavor and taste of food either.  I am not sure when this happened but somewhere along the way I picked up the habit of eating when I am lonely, bored or sad.  Eating is comforting and makes me feel better.  It is a little like a mood altering drug.  If I am down I can elevate my mood by having some food.  Again, this does not work.  I want to lift my spirits, I eat, my spirits are lifted temporarily but as I gain weight I get depressed.  I also will get sad and feeling ashamed/guilty because I lost control.  I gave in to my desire and was weak.  So, summertime is over and it is time to get back on the program.  I think there will be lots of opportunities to practice Buddhist principles as I learn about my cravings and needs and desires and emotions.    

Some teachers and teaching Compatable with Buddhism

In these last couple of weeks I have attempted practicing what I have written.  Whenever I catch myself angry or attached I stop and look at it.  Usually the feeling disappears so quickly that sometimes I cannot even know what it was about.  I will get a sudden twinge of negativity and as soon as I pay attention to it, it is gone and I cannot even determine why or what it was about.  Other times the feeling will just linger and I still cannot determine the object or what the feeling is aimed at.  There is a Buddhist nun by the name of Pema Chodron who I have listened to once on a PBS special and I am currently reading one of her books.  She writes we should neither indulge nor repress these feelings.  So, even though I am no expert on her teaching it seems to me that what she suggests and what I have read from other Buddhists, that by just paying attention to the feelings they will, in time, subside.  What happens is that slowly instead of being an angry person you become the observer of the angry person.  It is as if you create a higher self.  This self can eventually observe the attachment or the anger but is not attached or angry.  One of the beliefs of Buddhism is that there is no soul (Anatta.)  What they mean is that there is no permanent ego that has these feelings and thoughts and sensations.  Instead who and what we are is the collection of thoughts and feelings and sensations we experience.  We are the experience we are having.  I have to admit that sometimes this is of no help at all.  Sometimes the negativity just lingers there.  At those times I try to take my attention off of it.  One way I find effective is getting present.  Most of our feelings are really about things in the past or might be in our future.  There is a teacher by the name of Eckhart Tolle.  I don't believe he claims to be a teacher of Buddhism but I think what he teaches is very compatible with Buddhism.  He says that we ought to be in the here and now.  For example, If we have a bill that is due next week; we may be worried, we may be angry with ourselves for not having already paid it we may fear that good credit rating we are attached to and so proud may be damaged and the credit company will no longer love you.  It sounds funny but our thinking can be funny and distorted.  Well, what if you just pay attention what is happening right now?  Feel the temperature of the air.  Feel your physiology, are you hungry?  Are you comfortable?  Look around and see what is to be seen, listen to the sounds in you environment.  I have heard many Buddhists call this getting present.  Usually all those thoughts and emotions that were triggered by that upcoming bill disappear.  Our negativity is rarely in the here and now but often about things past and future.  This is a form of calm abiding meditation in my view.  I struggle whether this should rightly be called by Buddhists Right mindfulness or Right concentration.  It has the affect of concentration but I can see it also as being mindful.  It does not really matter to me right now.  Perhaps I will study this more thoroughly later.  A question comes up though that what if your worry is happening right now?  Should we not become aware of it in that case.  Well, now we have gone full circle.  Yes, of course but I brought this up as a solution of when the negative feeling is just lingering there and it has become the case that you are simply dwelling in negativity.  At that point I was suggesting getting present.  The other thing one can do also is meditation.  I am not going to try and teach meditation on a blog.  My experience with it is that you focus on something and your mind will eventually get distracted and once you become aware of that you return to focusing.  It clears the mind, some say it empties the mind.  It is restful and can give moments of real mental clarity while in a non-meditative state.  I am learning that if one does not get relief from that pain in a timely manner it will lead to behaviors that can be undesirable.  So, I suggest you catch it early and do something quickly.  I am not sure what to do about these negative feeling that don't seem to have an object.  They are almost like a precursor to an actual emotion.  Perhaps it is suffering itself before the mind attaches it to an experience and labels it.  I can almost see how they could become positive instead of negative.  They are like a knot in the pit of my stomach but could easily transform into excitement or joy.  Moving on to when you can identify an object.  There is another person who is not a Buddhist but I think is compatible with Buddhism.  That is Byron Katie.  In my view she practices a form of what might be called analytic meditation.  Instead of emotion she suggests you look at the thoughts triggering your emotions.  She looks at the negative thought and asks  these four questions: 

Is it true? 

Can you absolutely know that it's true? 

How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?  

Who would you be without the thought? 
Then she asks you to turn around the concept you are questioning, and be sure to find at least three genuine, specific examples of each turnaround.

This morning for example, the garbage can was tipped over and garbage was on my driveway.  I live in a forested area.  It is in city limits but is very rural and I am at the end of an 800' gravel driveway.  I take the garbage can to the top of the hill for pick up and return it back to the house because if I don't a bear gets into it.  Well, I did not get to it this week.  My mom went ahead and walked to the top of the hill and dumped some garbage yesterday.  I saw her do it and actually had the thought that I need to bring the can back down to the house.  I didn't.  This morning when I walked up to bring the can back down I saw the garbage on the driveway and immediately got mad at my mom.  I caught myself and began to look at my feelings.  I had no anger at the bear.  I had no anger at myself for not bringing the can down yesterday.  My only thought was to criticize and admonish my mother for being "so stupid."  I laugh at it now.  We are such funny people to have such thoughts.  Anyway, I quickly realized that she was not "bad" or "stupid" or any other label we put on things or that my life would be so wonderful if I just did not have to contend with her ruining my life.  I still had to deal with what should I do.   I could say nothing.  In that case I think the feeling would fester for awhile and come out later.  I could choose to be angry.  That is when I look at my feeling I become the observer and I am not really angry but  I am in a position where  I could decide to be that angry person if  I wanted.  I settled on simply reporting what happened without anger or criticism.  Byron Katie would instead have me realize that the negative thought I had may not be true realize how I get angry when having the thoughts and that I might not be a person  I am comfortable with if I did not have the thought.  In other words maybe I want to be judgmental and critical.   I think this is long enough.  I wanted to cover Dyer and connecting to source too but maybe next time.                                              

Problematic Emotions - Attachment

Attachment is the opposite of anger in this respect.  With anger the mind labels our experiences with people, places and things as unpleasant and we develop an aversion.  With attachment, the mind labels our experiences as pleasant, we are instead drawn toward the experience not away from it.  At first it is difficult to see this as harmful.  We all can understand how anger can create harm but how is attachment something we would want to renounce?

  First, there are the extreme examples.  I am sure I am not the only one who has fallen in love with someone who does not feel the same.  Hurts don't it?  I know there have been occasions where someone has been crazy about me but I just did not have the same feelings and could not return what was desired.  On the one hand you can become more insistent that the person feel what you want them to feel.  This becomes a desire to possess the other.  When we do not allow others to have their own point of view, their own values we are creating great harm.  This amounts to oppression in my view.  Some couples are like this.  I think it happens more often with women than men.  They are sometimes not allowed to have the friends they want or the hobbies they want and do not have free time and do whatever they choose.  In short, they lose their freedom.  On the other hand, let's say your dream comes true and the person loves you back as much as you love him or her.  Because, just like anger, attachment is an exaggeration you will usually find out that they are not the person you thought they were.  Attachment distorts your perception just like anger does.  You find out that they are not as nice (or naughty) as you thought and become disappointed.  Lastly, even if they were everything you wanted them to be and loved you back as much as you love them, will it last?  People change and so do our feelings and sadly we all, some day, pass away.  One family story has my grandmother dying and my grandfather apparently sitting out on the lawn under a tree or on the porch in a stupor for two or three months and dying of a broken heart.  The other story has him dying because he was so used to her waiting on him hand and foot.  Either way it is attachment.

Attachment can make for great literature and songs but in the real world can also do a lot of harm.  Well, what's wrong with a little harm?  Is it not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?  It is totally up to you. Buddhism offers a way to relieve suffering but you certainly do not have to be a monk or renounce everything.  Buddhists can have families and friends.  They will be more detached and less possessive than most others but they are human.

There is another aspect of attachment.  Various addictions whether it is drinking or TV or food are attachments also.  They can in time also be managed and eliminated through meditation and detachment.  But in some respects they differ.  It seems to me that the attraction we have to them is that they are a way of avoiding things we do not like instead of being drawn to them in their own right.  This business of avoiding what we do not like and being attracted to what we do like is really two sides of the same coin and it may not make a difference that counts.  My point is we may not like our job.  We grow to hate it.  Then we end up spending the weekend drinking beer and watching TV.  Are we doing it because we love being lazy or do we do it because we want to avoid thinking about Monday when we have to return to work.  In time meditation, both calm abiding - Shamatha and special insight – Vipasyana or analytic meditation can help.

Now as a lay Buddhist, my goal is not to forsake and renounce all temptation or the avoidance of all things unpleasant.  I think that when we are lonely we need to connect to others and if we do not we will not be healthy.  I think when we are angry it may very well be a healthy sign that something is wrong and that you need to stand up for yourself.  So I don't intend to notice the feelings and then try to eliminate them or call them bad.  I intend to listen to them and learn what they are trying to tell me.  In some cases they will be destructive and I will want to renounce them but in others I may want to act on them but in a sane manner.

Problematic Emotions -- Anger

I have been posting everyday in order to quickly cover some basics and familiarize myself with the website I'm using to guide me along the way.  I will probably slow down to once a week or so because I am getting to where I actually put into use and practice Buddhist principles.

As we have covered, the mind creates its own suffering.  It creates emotions that distort our view of what is happening and provoke us into behaving in ways that cause ourselves and others pain and misery.  The first emotion I want to explore is anger. When things happen our mind labels the experience as pleasant or unpleasant or neutral. When we decide it is unpleasant we have an aversion to it.  We want to get away or we want it to get away from us.  We need to create some distance.  It is an aversion.  We want to avoid getting what we do not want, we want to avoid unhappiness, we want to avoid being unknown, and we want to avoid blame.  To do this we exaggerate. It's not just that the person did something and we were hurt.  No, all of a sudden they are a bad person.  We exaggerate how awful they are and how hurtful they were.  See how that is a delusion?  See how that is a distortion of what really happened?  That is how a Buddhist might define anger; it is an aversion but with an exaggerated point of view.

In the eight fold path I listed “Correct Understanding.” It was the fifth one on the list.  I have seen it also called “Right View” and listed number one.  So now the question becomes, how can we restore or create a right view or correct understanding. The first thing is; we do not repress the emotion.  I am a person who rarely loses their temper but inside I am a seething cauldron of anger. I stuff it and this is not the solution.  We are neither to repress nor do we indulge the emotion (from Pema Chodron.)  We can go ahead and feel the feeling but we try not to act out.  Instead, we do what is called "analytic meditation."  In Buddhism there are two forms of meditation. One is called “Samatha” and the other is "Vipassana."  The first is what we ordinarily call meditation.  It focuses on something like the breath for example.  It has a calming and quieting effect.  It is covered by Correct Concentration in the eight fold path. The other is covered by Correct Mindfulness. It is, in this case, paying attention to the emotion and feeling it.  It pays attention to where it came from and what it is doing to us.  What thoughts are created, what other feelings or memories does it trigger?  By analyzing it in this way we correct the distortions.  We might realize that the person was not as bad or as hurtful as we made he or she out to be.  In daily practice, if we were working on this emotion and we had the time to devote to it, we might do a calming meditation for twenty minutes or so followed by up to an hour of analytic meditation.  In this way, over time, we develop a habit of not immediately getting angry over things.  Without doing this, getting angry can develop into a habit and actually get worse over time. We can become quick to anger and develop all kinds of prejudice and bigotry.

That is a problem with me.  Before I stop and think I say something that I shouldn't and the damage is done.  Once, I had a friend that was hospitalized and I visited her everyday.  Well, I hate hospitals but that is what friends do so I did it.  I repressed the feeling and after awhile I got very selfish and did not think I was getting enough appreciation and pretty fed up.  After she was released she had an emergency and had to go back. She called late at night for a ride home and I picked her up but I was angry enough that I said something that was cruel and hurtful.  She is still a friend but I am afraid that we will never be as close as we once were.  All we can do in a case like that is do the analytic meditation afterward and maybe prevent incidents like that from happening again.  I don't hate hospitals like I did but I can still be self righteous and hurt about fairness and who is giving more and so on.  That leads me to the opposite of anger which I will write about next time; attachment.  The feeling one has when losing a friend or losing a lover, or wanting to be closer to a friend or lover can be just as distorting and delusional as anger but it is based on an attraction instead of an aversion.

The Third Jewel (and more)

This is going to be a short blog and close out the preamble or orientation so we can get to the meat of Buddhism.

The Sangha is the last of the three jewels. It is the community of Buddhists. Sometimes it is broadly defined as all Buddhists, sometimes more narrowly as the monks or nuns in a monastery and sometimes very narrowly as the Buddhists that have achieved the awakened state.  I think it could be thought of in the same way as Christians talk about the church. It is the group of people that are your brothers and sisters. The need for love and belonging runs very deep. Even someone who likes to be independent and alone has a powerful need to be connected to a group. Maybe not a lot of people and maybe not very often but they need it as much as food or water.

Buddhism is divided into three major groups or traditions. The Theravada (Hinayana,) the Mahayana and the Tantric. I may have to learn a lot more before I can talk about these schools. The basic difference is that one school believes that all can achieve this enlightened state and another says that only some can while a third say it can be achieved through ritualistic almost magical acts.

So what is the Sangha centered about? What core beliefs hold them together? What is the Dharma? The Four Noble Truths is really the next lesson but I had so little to say I am going to start with that now.

The first is that there is suffering. Well duh. I can't imagine anyone arguing with this. The word used is "Dukkha" but the English translation is normally "Suffering." It is not just the pain we experience when bad things happen it is also the sense of dissatisfaction we can have in life. We always seem to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

The second noble truth is there is a cause. In some places I have read the cause being named selfishness in other places I have read it as the self or the ego.  In any case the reason that we experience suffering comes from our own mind. According to Buddhism, our suffering comes about because our mind deludes itself and because of these delusions, we engage in actions that cause problems to ourselves and others. With every negative action (karma) we do, we create a potential for negative experiences. A couple of the main delusions we engage in are attachment and anger. In these states we cannot see what is happening accurately and make bad decisions about what we ought to do. When we are angry we do not see the person as they are but as worse than they are. We say harsh things to them and about them and cause them suffering and for ourselves as well.

The third noble truth is that by removing the cause we can remove the effect. So if we can develop a mind that does not engage in delusional thinking we will not engage in behavior that causes suffering for ourselves or others. Sounds pretty simple so how do we do this?

The fourth noble truth lays out an eightfold path that if followed will rid ourselves of these self created delusions and reduce even eliminate suffering.

(copied from website)

1. Correct thought: avoiding covetousness, the wish to harm others and wrong views (like thinking: actions have no consequences, I never have any problems, there are no ways to end suffering etc.)
2. Correct speech: avoid lying, divisive and harsh speech and idle gossip.
3. Correct actions: avoid killing, stealing and sexual misconduct
4. Correct livelihood: try to make a living with the above attitude of thought, speech and actions.
5. Correct understanding: developing genuine wisdom.
6. Correct effort: after the first real step we need joyful perseverance to continue.
7. Correct mindfulness: try to be aware of the "here and now", instead of dreaming in the "there and then".
8. Correct concentration: to keep a steady, calm and attentive state of mind.
   

The Second Jewel

This lesson was about the Dharma or the Teaching. It is divided into two parts. One part talks about the scriptures as documents; how old they are, where they came from, how they should be treated. It is hard for me to ascribe much value to a piece of paper. I guess I can understand if a Bible were being burned how a devout Christian might react. I am not devoid of that feeling. I get a twinge of irritation if I see the flag spat upon or burned. But I realize it is a symbol and cannot ascribe a lot of value to it. I think the origin of those irritations is really seeing people hate the country not the flag or seeing people hate the religion not the Bible. Ultimately these acts boil down to people showing their hatred of Americans or Christians and I just don't like seeing people hate people.

The second part was about the scriptures as the teachings of Buddhism. This is what I think rightly is called the Dharma. The focus should not be on the one teaching but what is taught.  A particular person may have charisma and people may believe what is preached because of that. Buddhism warns against this, emphasizing the focus should be on the teaching not the teacher. Also, the focus should be on the meaning of what is written and not on the words. It is a pet peeve of mine how arguments often are about semantics. Someone says something and rather than looking at whether what is meant is true the argument becomes whether the right word was used. Some of that is good but it can be a misused distraction too. Some other warnings are listed in what is known as “The Kalama Discourse” summarized as follows:

"Do not believe a spiritual teaching just because:
1. it is repeatedly recited,
2. it is written in a scripture,
3. it was handed from guru to disciple,
4. everyone around you believes it,
5. it has supernatural qualities,
6. it fits my beliefs anyway,
7. it sounds rational to me,
8. it is taught by a respectable person,
9. it was said to be the truth by the teacher,
10. one must defend it or fight for it.

Only when the teaching agrees with your experience and reason, and when it is conducive to the good and gain of oneself and all others, then one should accept the teachings, and live up to them."

This is important. In Buddhism there is little room for faith. Everything should be tested and agreed upon. I think it is great to have a teaching that teaches the importance of deciding for yourself if it is true or not. It is open minded in that way. I think the Dali Llama has said recently that if science proves something is true that runs counter to Buddhist teachings then it is the Buddhist teachings that must change. That is such a relief to be free from any brow beating or thought that you have to believe this or you go to hell. Buddhism really respects the individual's mind not with a take if or leave it attitude but with a take as much as you like and agree with attitude. Pretty Cool.

The First Jewel

The suggestion of the website I am following and is my guide in this journey is to start my study with what are called "The Three Jewels."

The first is the Buddha himself.  I think the important thing about the Buddha is to know that he was not a god, he was a human being like you or me.  That means that this enlightenment that he experienced, everyone is capable of experiencing.  I agree he was a human being.  I am not so convinced that everyone following this path will or even can experience what he experienced.  I think there is some mystery, some magick and perhaps some luck or deity that controls our revelations.  Certainly, most Buddhists will not attain the enlightenment he did.  Even so, all are capable of making progress toward this ultimate goal.  I don't think that the ultimate goal is even practical or should be sought by all.  I think we get as much as we need and as much as we give to the quest.

The Buddha was a privileged young man.  He was a noble and affluent and I suppose naive.  He lived a good life full of pleasure.  Then, he was confronted by the suffering in the world and became obsessed with finding a cure. The compassion he felt, I think, was an awakening but not the great awakening he was later to receive.  Sometimes when we see people suffering we are compelled to help.  Sometimes when we see animals suffering we are compelled to help.  This is good and we can help sometimes.  What Buddha saw though was old age and sickness and death.  These are not problems that can be solved no matter how much we care.  All we can really do about those problems is change our attitude about them and comfort those who are afflicted.

So he decided to leave his palace and go out into the world to learn from those who sought a spiritual life.  He learned forms of meditation and became an ascetic.  It almost killed him until he realized that not only was his former life of pleasure not a path to what he sought but neither was a life of asceticism.  There needs to be what he called a "middle way."  I love this.  A Greek philosopher who taught about the same time wrote about a golden mean.  When we go to one extreme or another we miss the truth that lies between.  Some of his fellow seekers abandoned him after this; thinking he had given up.

Not long after this during meditation he had his great awakening and began to teach.  He was reunited with his friends and Buddhism was born. 

His story is not mine and I am not he.  I think we can all find similarities and differences.  I do relate to having had an attitude of a nobleman in my youth.  It is funny because I was certainly not from a noble family.  If I had been though I would have fit right in!  I still struggle with class distinction but I have flip flopped.  Now, I feel more like I am part of the working class instead of the upper class like I used to.  I have never been an ascetic.  I think my life has been pretty hedonistic.  I try and get as much pleasure as I can.  Of course, with older age that is darn little!  I don't feel guilty about it but I do realize how self-destructive it can be if one is not careful.  As far as an awakening I have had a profound religious experience in my life.  I may talk more about this later.  It certainly was not the experience he had because mine was short lived.  Although it did change me, it did not transform me into what I would call "enlightened."  Lastly as far as teaching, I am all for sharing but I do not have any desire to teach others.  I think it would be presumptuous of me to think I can tell anyone how they should live or even be an example of how one should live.  I am going to follow this path and if there is an opportunity to share what I have learned and someone else can learn too that is fine but I will not teach.                

On Becoming a Buddhist

This is a first for me.  I have kept diaries and I even did a diet journal that could be viewed by people participating in the plan.  I have a vague memory of starting one when I had a Myspace or a Livejournal but I am not sure.  So why now?  I have made a decision to become a Buddhist and I think this journey is going to require lots of journaling.  I suppose the similarity in the words tells us they are related and that this is appropriate.  Ordinarily, this would be a private affair and I really don't see being followed but I welcome any thoughts and feedback anyone who happens across these words cares to share.  Where to begin--

I am 59 which is pretty old to be starting any vision quest but it is in front of me to do.  I have studied some Buddhist ideas for many many years.  For the most part I have agreed with what I have read but have never made any commitment to follow its ethics or be a practicing Buddhist.  As a kid I remember hearing something about the cause of suffering being selfishness and it making sense to me.  Of course, I had mistaken ideas about what is meant by the self and what is meant by suffering.  Then in college I studied Buddhism.  I was a philosophy major and it was required.  During college I also learned Transcendental Meditation.  My interest in TM was very much based on the health benefits of regular meditation.  Many years later I came across Wicca.  I was interested in a nature based religion, thinking that it is our separation from what is natural that causes so much confusion.  During that time I was reacquainted with the idea of karma and reincarnation and also meditation.  Then, just a few years ago I went to a lecture on meditation as practiced by Zen Buddhists.  In my correspondence with the teacher I made a decision to call my self a Buddhist and really devote myself to the practice.  As they say you can never really understand someone or something until you take that leap of faith and commit to it or them.  Where I live there is little in the way of getting instruction but thankfully there is the internet.  I found a yahoo group and that led me to a website and I am on my way!  So my plan is to go through the teaching on the website as suggested and learn and read and practice and reflect and blog.