Wanting

Stopped writing to this blog because I felt I had stopped following the Buddhist path.  I was learning more and more about Authentic Kabbalah.  In my view, although not of people who are in Kabbalah they have striking similarites.  Briefly, in Buddhism, the ego and desire are the culprit(s) and responsible for our suffering.  In Authentic Kabbalah it is not the desire so much as what the desire is for.  If one's desire is pointed in the direction of serving others there is no suffering.  I have been studying for over a year and these are very complicated ideas so I am really boiling it down to it simplest expression.  I am in a most unusual place emotionally.  The truth is I have a desire to give.  It is a a very small, teenie weenie, itsy bitsy desire.  The thing is when I try to act on that desire it is revealed to me very quickly that I fall short.  I become very ashamed of how selfish and self centered and how interested I am in satisfying my desires and not those of others and how uninterested I am in what others want.  Interestingly though it feels like these states and feeling are good for me.  Like exercise, it feels healthy.